Malfoy Madness Vol8
by Librarybeauty
Summary: It's a mad mad world for the Malfoy family as Hermione's due date approaches. She even has a talk with Max, who is more interested in the birds and the bees. ONESHOT Rated M. DMHG


Author's note: I'm already publishing another, which is crazy

Author's note: I'm already publishing another, which is crazy. I think I've drank more coffee in the past week more then I have my whole life. Starbucks is my friend…a very close friend. Sorry for my randomness….anyway enjoy this installment. My husband has got back from his business trip and officially told me to lay off the coffee…it's apparently bad for my health. What is he going to say next? Fanfiction is bad for my health? Aaa, the great pleasures of being a newlywed. P.S. I've noticed a lot of people post this and yes….I am very forgetful but I do try to disclaim that some of these lines are from different things! I'm not trying to steal them….really. I sometimes let it slip my mind that this came from Gilmore girls, P.S. I love you, or any other movie or show. I feel so stupid that I don't include it. I'm really sorry. I promise I'm not trying to steal their work. Most of the time I try to write my own stuff, but when I'm in a runt I base a bit after dialogue from my favorite shows…yeah I feel like a stupid idiot.–Ebony.

Rating: M for mature.

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns everything. Fanfiction is owned by some very smart person. Starbucks is owned by my heroes. Max however, well Max belong to me….ha-ha suckers!

Special thanks: **bbycaks01**, you're not annoying I think you're sweet. Thanks for the review, sweet-cakes. **Crystalight22**, I wish I went to a school like that too! I also was really dorky and I use to wish my Hogwarts letter would come and accept me. Thanks for the review. **Arkenstone2003**, I'm glad you like my story, and I hope you're not too addicted. Even though it's cool that you like my story a lot! You're a real jewel. The review rocked! **Dracadoris**, Thank you! I'm glad you like Max, because I want my kids to be like him. I base him after my nephew and myself at his age, I've been told I was really loud and obnoxious. I'd be very honored to update. Thanks sugar for the review. **Hidden but Seen**, You can ask me anything at anytime. I also like that you gave me your honest opinion. The truth is that yes I could make this into one story. Yes, I could update chapter by chapter. The reason I don't is because we need more dramione one-shots and because I love making my series special. Each volume takes time to plan and write and sometimes it may not look like it…but I really try to make each one enjoyable. The other reason is because I'd have to convert all the other volumes into one and continue the story and I'm a bit of a lazy ass. I know, I know it's not good but when you're handling cleaning up a three-story house, planning your bitchy picky mother-in-law's birthday tea and writing a series….it gets to you. Thanks for the review and I enjoy them a lot. You're really a sweetheart for doing so. Sorry if it annoys you. **Hermione-Love-Ron16311**, I'm glad you liked it! Yes Elle is Mione's stepmom. That all started in Volume four. Thanks for the review Darling. **Twitchy the Squirrel**, Thank you for pointing out my mistakes you're a sweetie. I really should get a beta. I also really should watch project runway marathon and catch up on my Christian. Aww, I love you because your one of my favorite reviewers! I look forward to your reviews! I'm just happy to know someone who loves Tyler Perry as much as I do. Thanks again sweetheart. **J2poet**, first thank you so much for the wonderful review! Also I'm glad you liked it. I will be very happy to update…that's what I'm doing now! Thanks again darling. **Avchocoholic, **yeah I already wrote out the plot for the baby…you'll like it! Thanks for the review!

**This volume is for the reviewers. You can be the meanest people in the world and call me stupid; I still love you for taking the time to tell me so! You all bless my day by reviewing.**

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Hermione sits eating an ice cream, Max didn't finish. Ginny and Pansy also finishing their kids ice creams, watch as their children play in the playground after school.

"I can't believe Elle's eggo is preggo." Pansy says with disgust as she takes a gummy bear out of the strawberry ice-cream. Handle it to Daisy to pick the weirdest candy mix-in at the ice cream parlor.

Hermione shakes her head, "It's just…weird."

Ginny licks the vanilla, with a sarcastic smile she laughs, "What Pansy's version of Juno or Elle?"

Hermione takes a deep breath, "Elle actually…eww. I mean it's hard to imagine Marline and T.J. reproducing. But my father and that…that woman."

Pansy shakes her head, "Really…I mean she is an ex- February playmate and was on the cover of low rider magazine."

Ginny and Hermione look at her, Hermione has to ask, "You know this how?"

Pansy shrugs, "I googled her…" She looks at Hermione, "You mean you didn't?"

Hermione shakes her head, "I'm curious but I'm not that curious."

"You mean you don't want to know anything about your father's new wife?"

Hermione shook her head and really didn't look like she cared.

Ginny nodded, "She could be a gold-digging serial killer."

Hermione didn't reply, just ignored it or seemed to be.

Pansy added, "Or one of those stage parents that will turn her kid into a little psycho and then kill your dad and use his sperm or something…like Hugh Hefner…or whatever."

Ginny adds, "Or Anna Nicole Smith."

Hermione finally says something, "I've never cared about my father's life. After second year at Hogwarts…he didn't give a shit. He just left my mum with me and my brother and didn't care what happened. He bought a Ferrari and dyed his hair and never had a thought about us…why should I care?" She stops and Ginny is about to say something but Hermione isn't finished, "Then…my mum finally moves on with her life and has Marline with Derek. Derek was more of a dad then Richard. He only wanted to be back in my life when I graduated and married Draco. Remember my brother never forgave me for letting him back in! I let him back in! God! It's my entire fault."

Pansy finally got to put her words in, "Mione it's not your fault your dad's a horn dog. You can't control him….plus you let him in because he is your father."

Ginny wipes her hands with a wet-one, "How is Shaun anyway?"

Hermione looks up, "My brother? I don't know…I haven't talked to him in five years. The last time was my wedding."

Pansy takes a wet-one from Ginny, "Really…you mean he doesn't know about Max?"

Hermione shrugs, "I don't really know, I don't know anything. I miss him though. He said he'd never forgive me…at my wedding he left early because dad came and well…they hate each other. They never saw eye to eye and my brother loathed my dad for leaving."

Pansy doesn't know what to say to make Hermione feel better, "Maybe you should schedule lunch with him or something…go over what's happened in your lives."

Ginny and Hermione look at each other, for the first time Pansy has actually gave some good advice instead of a sarcastic comment or laughed about the situation.

Hermione thought for a second, "I could do that…"

Max runs up, his shirt untucked from his trousers and his blonde hair messed up from playing. "Mummy…take my tie." He hands her the green tie, which she places with his blazer. He runs off to go play in the sand-box with Albus.

Pansy smiles, "His speech has improved remarkably."

Hermione nods, "The teacher has done remarkably with him; he even is reading above all other levels."

Ginny snickers.

"What?"

"Well look who his mother is…of course he is reading above all other levels. You may have forgotten that he even resembles you since he is Draco's little twin but he has inherited your brain…he knows and says words I don't think I've ever heard before!" Ginny says watching Max and Albus build a sand castle, for princess Daisy. Who is yelling at them saying she wants another tower so it looks like Hogwarts.

Pansy remembers back when Hermione first had Max, how she was sort of disappointed he didn't resemble her, it reminded her of how Daisy looked more like Blaise, "she is right, Max is a brilliant child…just like his mother."

Hermione's iphone alert goes off she looks at the two other mothers and wishes she didn't have to go, "I have an appointment with Jock at a baby boutique in downtown Los Angeles."

Ginny smiles, "you and Jock are really becoming close huh?"

Hermione picks up her beg, "Yeah, he is really good at picking out shoes; he likes to watch Oprah with me, we get our nails done together, he is decorating the nursery, and he is somehow very interested in Draco's hair color."

Pansy cracks up laughing, "We do that all the time…what do you mean Draco's hair?"

Ginny can picture that scene right now, "okay, well you remember what we said about Shaun…"

Hermione nods, "alright…thanks and are we still scheduled for a no-kids lunch tomorrow?"

Ginny and Pansy nod. Pansy smiles, "Of course, that's one of the highlights of my whole week."

"Max! Time to go!" Hermione calls. Her son comes running up to her with his shoes in his hand.

Hermione had a lot of problems to get through. She felt like kids in the sandbox…no matter how many times you dust yourself off…you still find sand everywhere. It's like it follows you and pretty soon it has invaded your life.

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Hermione and Jock were in her room after their shopping trip to L.A. He was wearing a pair of her hills and watching 'the hills' on mtv. Hermione was on her laptop googling her brother.

"You know what I find to be so stupid! Heidi goes back to that whore of a man…she can do so much better!" He chews on a redvine and taps Hermione's shoes together. He whines, "So ugly she-man Spencer…eww."

Hermione looks up, "I can't believe you watch that crap, I prefer the food channel or lifetime you know because I have to watch desperate housewives. E or Vh1 are also good channels"

Jock turns around and makes snoring noises, "Look who turned into grandma well except for E and vh1…The hills my friend is the best show out there. Those girls are some fierce b-i-t-c-hes."

"It's retarded and staged." Hermione grabs a redvine and bites on it. "Now…Grey's anatomy is good television."

"Ugh, no…no it's not." He moves up next to Hermione on the huge bed and looks at her computer screen. "So this is your brother…he is kind of hot."

Hermione reads the article, "He is married and they have a two year old daughter."

"Damn they are either married or straight…" He whines and pops an M&M in his mouth.

Hermione looked at the pictures of her brother and his beautiful wife and their daughter. Her brother was now a famous skateboarder and owned a fashion line inside of skater stores across the world…it was amazing. She was in awe, amazing how their father use to tell him that he would never have a future in skateboarding…he sure showed him.

"Hermione…Hermione…Yo Mama!" Jock is trying to get Hermione's attention.

Hermione snaps out, "Sorry, I haven't talked to him in almost six years." She is trying to soak up all the info on her brother she can.

Jock looks at her and gets up on his knees and claps, "Aww, so are you going to invite him for lunch or something?"

"Maybe…"

"Maybe! Are you serious? Are you all whore-monal or something because…sweetie you really and I mean really deserve to talk to your baby brother." He blinks and looks like an excited puppy.

"Jock…you know if I do this lunch it will just be me and him…and it will be after the baby is born." she says it in a sympathetic way so Jock doesn't get angry or drama-queen it out.

"…."

"Jock?"

"Well that's fine, but after you two become friends then I get to see him on a regular basis!" he is excited and puts his head on her shoulder.

Hermione laughs and pats his head, "That will be fun." She looks at jock, "So you want to do something fun? I'm bored…"

Jock moves off her shoulder and then jumps on his knees, "Like bother your honey, when he is in his office…" He jumps off the bed and runs towards the door.

Hermione follows, "Ill pay you twenty dollars if you play with his hair again and talk about your ex-boyfriend!"

Jock grabs her hand, "I can totally just annoy the crap out of him and talk about shoes and the baby's nursery."

"I'm such an evil wife…"

"It's the least he can do…you are going to have to give birth to a seven pound child….he can handle us invading his work space."

He doesn't get that mad about you invading his work space…he just gets annoyed when you play with his hair and give him fashion advice." She smiles.

Jock shrugs, "some one had to tell him to get his roots done!"

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Hermione sits at the breakfast table, watching Max eat his cereal slowly. He looks like his father in the morning. His hair is messed up, his dress shirt unbuttoned and his tie untied around his neck. He rubs his eyes and yawns…

"You tired?" She asks him.

He nods and takes a bite of his cereal…he nearly falls asleep.

Hermione decides to wake him up; she was feeling very playful today. She picked up bits of banana pieces and threw one at him…it landed on his face. Apparently it was a cold awakening.

Hermione giggled, he looked at her like mum's were not suppose to do that and she was crazy.

He was apparently awake now; he blinked at her like…what's wrong with you.

She giggled, "You up now?"

He looked at her and picked up a spoonful of yogurt.

Hermione pointed, "Don't you dare…"

He laughed as his mother wiped the white crème off her face.

Max's laugh was evil and a fit of giggles. Hermione sat there and looked at him, "You finished yet?"

He nods and takes a bite of his chocolate-chip pancakes.

Hermione decides this would be a good time to have a heart to heart. "So Max…you know your baby sister is going to be here in a few weeks…are you excited?"

He nods and doesn't say much about it…

"Well do you want a sister?"

He shrugs and takes a drink of milk.

"You undecided about it?"

He thinks for a second and says, "No…it's just a little sister." He was like his father when it came to talking about his feelings.

"Well what do you think of it?" Hermione asks.

He doesn't get it, "I don't know."

"You mean you have no question or anything?"

He nods, "Yeah…do I have to share my toys with her?"

She laughs, he is more worried about toys, "No…your toys are yours."

"Albus says that his little sister is annoying and…and that she follows him everywhere. Will my sister do that?"

Hermione shrugs, "I have no clue…but I'm sure you can show her the ropes so when she gets older she doesn't do that."

He thinks again and asks, "So I'm not getting a brother?"

"Nope…"

"After…after you have this baby can…can we have a brother?" he asks.

Hermione doesn't know how to answer this, so she changes the subject, "You do know that when the baby is born mummy will be very busy but I'm not ignoring you…it's just babies need more attention. You understand?"

He nods grudgingly like this baby is not getting his mummy…and he is willing to fight.

"Then again Max, I will always have time for you…even when I'm super busy with the baby."

He looks a bit happier…and it makes Hermione wonder about her brother. How she and him grew up. How annoying he was to her…she knew what Max was sort of going through. Then again he had no idea either.

"You know, I have a little brother."

Max gets excited, "you mean…you have a little brother too!"

Hermione nods, "Yeah, and he isn't so bad."

Max now doesn't care about the baby situation and is more interested in his new uncle he's never heard of.

"So is…so is my uncle likes uncle Blaise?"

Hermione nods, "Yeah, sort of…he is a skateboarder so that's kind of cool."

Max starts to eat again, he has an uncle and this makes him exceptionally happy. He is going to brag about it to all his friends at school. Plus maybe this whole stupid little sister thing wasn't so bad. Even if he wasn't going to be the baby anymore. He has one more question, "Mummy can I ask a question?"

She nods, "Sure."

"Where does the baby come from?"

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Draco laughs, "Wait…he thinks the baby comes from a bird? A bloody bird?"

Hermione nods, "Yes, a stork…and what? I don't remember you ever telling me the way you wanted our son to learn about sex."

Draco is amused, "Yeah, but a bloody stork? Isn't that like fifties muggle thing…old school."

Hermione sits there and agreed to come to lunch on his lunch break in Diagon alley, not to be critiqued but to talk to her husband only to have him think the whole situation funny. "So how did you get out of that big important meeting?"

He shrugs, "I'm the boss I can do whatever the hell I want to."

Hermione huffs, "Seriously though Draco…it's not funny. He is really starting to get interested in…certain parts of girls."

Draco coughs on his coffee and laughs, "you mean breasts?"

"Yes Draco!" she says folding her arms, "You know I'd like you to actually pretend this isn't so funny."

Draco puts his coffee down, "What do you want me to do? Tell him about sex…that's where the baby came from. Then what? It's not a problem I just don't know where to start."

"Well think about when your dad told you…"

Draco stares at her, "My father never told me about that, I mean I learned most of it from listening to my father's conversations with his business partners…so I'm not to sure where to start."

Hermione starts to say, "Well remember those bo-"

"Books, those parenting books are stupid, they are based after a person who never had children and decided to make millions by writing on how to talk to your child. I am not letting a book teach me how to talk to my child." Draco shook his head and looked a bit upset.

Hermione put her hand on her husband's he had problems telling people how he felt; it's like as a Malfoy he wasn't allowed to. He however learned fast when they started dating that Hermione wanted to be there for him. "Then give Max the talk your father never gave you."

He loved her, he had no problem opening up to her….she listened and he trusted her. She kept it to herself and it helped him. "Alright…I will."

She kisses him and then passes a joke, "You know it's amazing that you were like a sex-god in Hogwarts but you never really knew about it."

He raises his eyebrows, "Slytherins are good at everything….including in the bedroom. You should know that…what do you mean 'were' a sex-god."

Hermione laughs, "You still got it, and sorry I misplaced my words."

He nods, "That's right I do…and if I remember right I was your first…"

"And only…"

He smirks, "I remember that night…graduation."

Hermione smiles, "You couldn't have been more obvious that you were going to fuck me later, when Harry and Ron were around us."

He shrugs, "Just marking my claim, you were mine."

"Wasn't it potions that I passed you the note that said graduation was the night?"

Draco remembers back then

- **Flashback…**

**Hermione is younger; she passes by the desk Draco and Blaise are sitting at. She passes a note to Draco, winks and walks to the back supply closet.**

**He opens it and looks back at her. A secretive smile spreads on his face. Blaise reads it over his shoulder. "Oh damn!"**

**Draco puts it away and when she walks back down to her desk, he smacks her ass and watches her giggle and go sit down next to Harry. Ron glares at Draco; he apparently saw the whole thing and wondered what was on the note. **

**-Flashback ended…**

"Yeah, it was potions…and you had your hair in a ponytail and you wore my slytherin ring around your neck on a chain." He said remembering it like it was yesterday.

Hermione thought it was funny how Draco could remember that day like it was yesterday but when it came to dinner at Hermione's mother's house…it just slipped his mind.

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Author's note: Thank you for reading! Please review and tell me what you think!

Next time: Elle wants to be bffs forever, the girl's add another mother to the group, Max has a teacher conference and Hermione goes into labor.


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